The dandelions glowed like the sun as the rays bounced from their yellow tufts. I sat and watched as they swayed alongside the thick, tall grass, whooshing in the wind. The trees hovered overhead as if they were eavesdropping on my thoughts.

I’ve never sat in this particular spot, behind the big red barn of our homestead.

It reminded me of the slow summer days in the backyard of my childhood home, where I’d rock up and down on the wooden swing and listen to the birds and buzzing creatures. In these moments, my soul would be still and hum with peace.

I couldn’t think of a single thing that could take this moment from me, one in which I felt invisible to the world, and completely connected with nature.

Perhaps that’s why, as the wild violets contrasted with the bright yellows around them and the sweet scent of dogwood surrounded me, I fell profoundly in love with my life.

Oh little bird where is your cage?

You ripped the bars open with rage

The blood from your feathers left a stain

Now only a shadow of you remains

Oh little bird I see how you soar

They can’t cage you anymore

I like listening to the house. The strangle little clicks, soft humming from the depths beneath me.

I sit here in the dark, feeling imaginary hands around my ankles, as if I’m being haunted.

Creaking wood cries out and I respond that fear never wins. The windows rattle with the wind as I sit in stillness.

The grasp on my ankles loosens and the house begins to breathe alongside me.

There I am, with these old bones.

You have a box?

So do I…

Mine stacks up to the sky.

A pile of love balanced on pain

I want to erase every name

Forgotten many

Buried a few

Oh, if you only knew…

The veil between peace and madness is thin, like a transparent bubble. Oil-like soap lines float through the air.

There I am, just brushed up against it. I hear its walls humming.

POP!

Lavender Honey

Funny was he

Sick of the mind

A blackened soul

Freeing it was

To let him go

Build an empire on your losses

No matter what the cost is

Seed the ash in the soil

Let your vines coil

Rise above all the pain

You have everything to gain

I sit here by the large window of the barn and watch as raindrops slowly crawl down the glass, leaving a trail. I saw a fox trot across the back yard this morning, and now the water is coming down harder, making that tapping noise on the siding.

I wish I were experiencing this in my own home, but my children are here, so here I am. That’s one of the efforts I’ve made as I move on from my old life, keeping my children in it. That’s the thing about motherhood: it doesn’t care where you live, or who you’re with, your children will always need you.

The more I look at myself, the more I realize how much like my father I am; I’ve mirrored many of his life choices. But then a sinking feeling begins, and I question whether I’ve mirrored all of his life choices, and how does that affect my kids? I know how it affected me.

The only thing to do is keep looking inward. Maybe I can break the cycle by acknowledging my flaws and learning to evolve. I accepted so much of what I share with him, but this I won’t.

I won’t allow myself to be overcome and forget my children. I’ll never give them up to avoid repercussions. I will never forsake them to keep my codependence, nor will I have any codependence. If I am to become better than those who made me, I have to first recognize what makes me like them.

So here I am, in a house that hasn’t felt like home in years, breaking the cycle.

Silence is my greatest weapon

Don’t believe me?

Just ask them

The ones who thought they had hold

of me, and my soul

Here I am again

Learning to count from one to ten

One day it will become clear

For once someone will hear

The beat of my heart

The hum of my soul

The way my mind runs

The sum of its goals

Find me bathing under a tree

Over the grass and under the leaves

Bury me where I can’t be found

I’d like to rest

In loving ground