This morning a girl at work told me she envied my ability to encounter men physically without any attachments. I told her it wasn’t a skill, it was a problem. I wish I could say this was new, but as far back as I can remember the connection between physical intimacy and emotional never truly stuck with me.

I remember once when I was 16 I was sitting with a man on his couch during our first encounter, the whole time he was talking about how well he treated his girlfriends I was wishing he would just stop talking and bring me upstairs. He eventually did.

A male friend of mine recently starting carrying on longer conversations between our meetings, it gave me anxiety. I blocked another man several months ago that had made a joke about being my boyfriend. I had wished him a safe drive home, while putting my clothes on.

I dissected this “skill” with my sister over the phone and deduced that I may be someone who truly wishes to be alone. Not alone in solitude like a monk, but someone who enjoys themsleves enough to be happy in their own head.

I spent eighteen years with someone who mostly left me alone, and I wonder if that’s how it lasted as long as it did. I’m sure plenty of people have pitied the amount of time I spend alone when I don’t have my children. But alone is where I’ve found myself, moved my direction, and grown.

I’ve spent time in my own head on this topic. It’s not fully worked out yet. But one thing I do know is this, I have an innate ability to depend on myself, at least for most things. And for others, I suppose I’ve learned a “skill”.