Know what happens when you read the edits of your book over and over until you can recite every word ver batim without looking? You realize your patterns. 

There I am at 5, walking out the door and hiding in a bush. There I am at ten running down the road to hide in a patch of trees behind a church. 

There I go at 16, packing my things and couch surfing. There I go at 35, renting a U-Haul. Here I go right now, entering the woods to hide.

What am I running from? It’s obvious. I decided to go into the woods during this thunderstorm and as soon as I reached where I wanted to go it stopped and the sun came out. 

There I stood, for the first time since before the ground had snow last winter. On a rock, slightly sloped amongst the trees. 

How about I place myself in the shoes of someone else for a second. What could it have been about everything I did that would bring me right back here? 

Here, where I was probably deemed “too much” or “unstable”. Sure, it’s fun to have experiences that are life changing. But would you want to change your life for them? Probably not. Stability always wins out.

Why has it started raining again haven’t  the clouds moved on? Haven’t I moved on? Maybe I’ve healed one small part of myself and now I’m faced with something bigger, and uglier, than I thought I had coming down the line. 

Like this rain, it pours down on me whether I want it to or not. Don’t think I’m coming out of the woods dry this time around.